Zombie Politics

I drank your milkshake.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Pitchfork Goes Crazy

As if Pitchfork Media, the ultra-pretentious taste-making music site, was taken seriously before, here’s something to totally blow their legitimacy out of the water… They gave R Kelly’s new magnum opus “TP3: Reloaded” (by the way what the fuck does that title mean – anyone? Anyone?) a 7.4.

Coldplay’s recent “X&Y,” which beyond its extreme popularity and hype is actually a fucking amazing record, garnered a 4.9; Nine Inch Nails’ screamingly wonderful “With Teeth” scored a 6.5; The White Stripes’ underrated gem “Get Behind Me Satan” managed a 7.3. Yes, you read that right: R Kelly’s new album, which includes such classic songs as “Sex Weed” and “In the Kitchen” was notched above Jack and Meg’s recent masterwork. It boggles the mind.

[ALSO: Eagles of Death Metal – 7.2; Green Day’s “American Idiot” – 7.2; Chemical Brothers’ “Push the Button” – 7.0; Lemon Jelly’s “64-95” – 6.5; Beck’s “Guero” – 6.6; Quasimoto’s “Further Adventures of Lord Quas” – 7.0; Supersystem – 4.9; Skeletons & Girl-Faced Boys – 7.0; Marbles’ “Expo” – 4.0]

But beyond that, it’s what is INSIDE the review that really kills me. What you’ve got to understand is that there is a five-part “urban operetta” (that’s what his official website calls it) that ends the album called “Trapped in the Closet.” It’s basically a horrible, sub-Meat Loaf epic about cheating, with more plot twists than an entire season of “The O.C.” And it’s got an accompanying “long-form” video (again: his words) that is ludicrous, even beyond how silly the song is. It is amazing, in an ironic, low-art, high-trash way (i.e., mostly, it’s awful). This is what the all-important P-Fork had to say about it: “the "Trapped in the Closet" cycle, for instance-- perhaps the most bizarre, audacious, brilliant undertaking a major artist has attempted in years.”

I mean… are they for real, or what? They pass judgment (harsh, harsh judgment as the above reviews show), but give R Kelly’s filthy, horrible new album a favorable score, gushing lovingly about one of the most asinine “concept” pieces in the history of music?

Pitchfok, you get a: 1.0, bitch!

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