Zombie Politics

I drank your milkshake.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Escape from Earth: A True Story (Supposedly)

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Imagine this: you’re a studio executive for Paramount Pictures, and you want to offer Kurt Russell, coming off a string of modest hits like “Miracle” and “Sky High” (not to mention stellar work in Cameron Crowe’s Paramount Picture “Vanilla Sky”), a three-picture deal. And he shows up to the meeting with John Fucking Carpenter. (To realize how out of it Carpenter is, check out his “Masters of Horror” DVD and hear him recount the story of how he almost turned down the job because he’d have to ‘get up early in the morning.’)

Kurt: This is my friend John Carpenter. He’s a very big director.

Exec 1: Correction – he USED to be a very big director. We thought he might be a homeless vagrant you took pity on, but my assistant’s a real geek and knew who he was.

Kurt: Yeah, well…

Exec 2: What does this have to do with your three-picture deal with Paramount Pictures?

Kurt: Well, I know you guys own the rights to John’s “Escape from…” movies and we want to do the third one.

Exec 1: The third what?

Kurt: The third “Escape from…” movie.

Exec 2: And what are you escaping from this time? San Francisco? Dallas?

John Carpenter [spreading his hands wide, stimulating a vast, widescreen vista]: EARTH!

Exec 1: Earth?

Exec 2: Earth?

Kurt: Yeah, Earth.

John Carpenter: We could shoot tomorrow; I’ve had the script done for eight years. Since the last one was done.

Exec 1: Eight years?

Exec 2: Eight years?

Kurt: Well, you know, there were comic books and spin-offs that have done really well in the in-between years. It could be a big hit with relatively small up front costs. And I’d get to wear an eye patch again.

John Carpenter: Yeah, the eye patch is pretty funny.

Exec 1: And you’re not going to sign on for three more if we don’t do this?

Kurt: Correct.

Exec 1: Fine.

Exec 2: Fine.

John Carpenter: Are you guys buying lunch?

Word around the campfire is that John Carpenter is putting his next film (“Psychopath”) on hold so he can jump into “Escape from Earth” pre-production, with an eye on a summer 2008 slot (pitting it against “Hellboy 2: The Golden Army,” “The Dark Knight,” and “Iron Man”). Kurt will get into it after he finishes filming the Tarantino portion of “Grind House,” “Death Proof.” But who knows – maybe somebody will dig out a DVD of the last one and realize what a completely goofy idea it is. Then again, it is Hollywood.

Thanks to Bloody-Disgusting.com for the inspiration!

***UPDATE: This has been debunked by Ain't It Cool News. Oh well. The post is still pretty funny so I'll leave it. Or maybe it's FUNNIER now that it's a bunch of hooey. Either way, it stays.***

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